Loving You Still a letter

Heart aches come in many forms. When it comes from your children it's hard to know what to do. Had I a chance to speak I would have told them how much I care. Otherwise I write! 

I had a phone call from my son (the father of the boy with "A Warrior's Heart", who had asked me for help when he wanted to tell his father he didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness any more). It wasn't a call for conversation but one of accusation where I didn't have the opportunity to speak. The eventuality was my son hung the phone up on me because I didn't respond in the way he wanted me to. I was in the same religion for 19 years and left. Jehovah's Witness (JW) elders eventually disfellowshipped me because I wouldn't go and talk to them. I had been a missionary in a foreign country and left my abusive husband (also a JW). Divorce is looked upon much like apostasy. Here is my response to what he accused me of so my grandson or others will know a way of defending their beliefs in a kind and loving way.

Dear Son,

I wanted to remind you that when we decided to give you life, we were only 16 and 17. Being brought up in military families we did not have the stability that most in our generation enjoyed. Thus we moved often and had no real family or friend connections. Though my father would have had you illegally aborted, we ran away.

We made many mistakes and have suffered and learned for them. Life isn’t easy or fair. What I gained from your hostility toward us is the realization you don’t know or respect us. I heard resentment and bitterness and for that I am very sorry for you because I love you.

As you know we are familiar with this kind of behavior from our children. We have come to accept the decisions our children have made concerning us having a relationship with our grandchildren. You saw how torn up I was loosing Luna. Do you think it was any different when you choose to do the same? I realized when you were taking me home from the airport and I was telling you what happened, I realize that what I was saying to you about Luna was how I felt loosing your children (Aly and Luke). All we have are memories and a few pictures and the hope that we will live long enough to see them when they are grown, if they choose to see us.

What they know about us now are things they would learn from their parents. And from there they would know NOTHING at all about who we are. Yes, we won’t and haven’t been an influence on their lives so any decision that they are presently making comes from their parents, their friends (school) and the world. When you change the word “family” to include ONLY those who believe as you do, you shouldn’t expect anything different from your children now or in the future.

Living in an ideological society isn’t different than being in an ideological religion. There are many out there to include Jehovah’s Witnesses. The word shares the same roots as idolatry, “to see”. The problem is what is “seen” doesn’t mean it is truth. Ideology is “group” thinking.

As for “my GOD” that I know living in our town on a small road by the river, HE is LOVE, not just a characteristic of his, but who HE IS. He cares and loves ALL his children, not just a few. If I were to believe that he only loves a few or that he only made a few to love him or that Satan (or evil) is stronger than HE then I wouldn’t know him at all.  He has taught me to love not only the lovable but my enemy as well. Love is the measuring tool I would use because he moves me to do so, not my will but HIS.

If the only way to know Jehovah is to be in a group of people than we are to be pitied. God has always dealt with individuals, because he is a Father. What father gets a group of people together to talk intimately with his son? I’m thinking Abraham, Moses, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and the list goes on. The nation of Israel was a rebellious people. To be part of them was to walk away from God to do what ever they wanted. They had no love for him as a “group” but there were individuals that Loved Jehovah dearly some are mentioned by name, some not.

Historically, Jehovah has always been a Father that loves his children individually. Ah, but they first had to get to know and trust him. Leaving the Jehovah Witnesses was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but finding my True Father and now having a personal relationship with him is my reward. Truth has set me free to love others. I have learned to “Trust Jehovah with ALL my heart” and it didn’t take an organization, a religion or men. I just learned to talk to Him and listen. So yes I will own this and you are correct that My God is here.

You spoke of boundaries. Please note these are your boundaries not ours. We are always open to our children. We all sin (defined as Go beyond the boundary), but “Love covers a multitude of sins”.  In Love, there is forgiveness. From the way you talked to me I heard no love. We have respected your religion and way of life. We have not interfered making sure that if there was any contact, it was initiated from you.

I heard resentment. I heard bitterness.  It’s my fault that you are a Jehovah’s Witness and that the man I am married to, YOUR FATHER, didn’t have much to do with you as you were growing up. You are also correct that you don’t have to love your father. You don’t have to forgive him or know him. That is a choice you make. As for him from the beginning of your conception he has always loved you.

I once told you the way you treated your wife is how you view God. Do you think it any different the way you treat your parents? You wouldn’t be alive with out parents. There are clear commandments or instructions how we should treat them. I’m thinking the 5^th, “Honor your father and your mother…” , there is even a few about not to speak disrespectfully towards, your father or mother”. NWT uses the words “call down evil” as other bibles use the word curse. In Hebrew (qll) means to speak of them as worthless, speak with contempt or dishonor. I’ve studied this quite a bit because we are familiar with being disrespected by our children. You have blamed us for so many things that you perceive as BAD, but for the life of me I can’t find anything that we have done that you don’t have the heart to forgive us. I will continue to pray for you.

If you had called me with your mind set on a conversation with me maybe we could have had a discussion. But that wasn’t the case. In defense of Luke, he was reaching out to someone he trusted to help him. He had held his heart for over a year in fear of what you would say to him, but he had gotten to the point he couldn’t hold it in any more. He reminded me of you when you wanted to tell your wife you didn’t want to be a Jehovah’s Witness any more. Just blurt it out and let the chips fall where they may. I told him to wait but I don’t think that happened. Just like you.

I wrote him a few times and I also put this on my blog to encourage him. (previously here “A Warrior’s Heart”)

You may disagree with me but it is better to go to someone that has his interest at heart than someone that would use or abuse him. In the end he will make his own decisions. He spoke of others wanting to leave the JW’s but my concern is him leaving and never knowing or believing in God/Jehovah at all which is where many of the youth go when they leave. They become Atheist! I remember when he was young he use to say he’s mixed “half Jehovah Witness and half Christian”. He told me he loves Jehovah and he would continue believing in him. That is a good thing.

I told you the truth. If he happened upon my doorstep I would welcome him in. I did not discourage him from coming because he is still asking for help. Have you ever seen something or someone and thought “I wish I was there” or the grass “looks” greener on the other side. But when you got there or knew more, it didn’t look so good. Well to Luke the grass looks greener here and will continue because he is looking for a place he can be Lucas and we look good to him now. But it may not be so, but he won’t know because he is restricted from seeing us and he doesn’t understand why he can’t see his own grandparents. I don’t have an answer for him except his parents and religion don’t want such a thing. From his own memory and experience we aren’t bad people and he is right.

Cut off the spirit or the breath of a man and he has no life. He’s just going through the motions. Without the love of God men will do just about anything, rationalize anything, and call it living. If you break his spirit or allow it to be broken, it will be a long and hard battle for him to get it back. I know it took me years to break free from the oppression I experience as a Jehovah’s Witness. Being abused for the sake of staying married to an abusive man is no life at all. Being told you HAVE to stay or Jehovah won’t love you was a lie I lived for 19 years and I believed it. Being told that, “I wouldn’t have stayed” by others broke me.

There are many things about my life (childhood) I never told you. Many of them affected you because I was a very young mother with limited experience. One thing I have learned over the years is that who we are as a child at heart doesn’t change much. I have always loved Jehovah/God, though I lived a very immoral life for a while and did many things I would never do again, rebellious, I eventually returned to God. Maybe you should think about that and give Luke a chance to learn who he is. You always had a difficult time with that. 

Had you given me the chance to talk I would have told you what I would have said to Lucas. Believe me I know and didn’t want him to do anything behind your back. I would have continued the story about Jesus at 12. As a youth Jesus “stayed under God's arrangement, to them” (his parents).

Luke knew he would have to go to the Kingdom Hall after he told you he didn’t want to be a JW any more. What I see is that little boy with a sword in his hand so many years ago that had a spirit to fight. He’s still in there. He had the courage to tell you how he felt. I love that little boy who is becoming a young man.

We may have to wait years before we see any of our grandchildren. But they as well as you are our family. We’ve shed many tears and heartache over our losses but we still believe one day Jehovah/God will bring families back to where he intended. Our children can’t hurt us any more we have left it all in God’s hands and heart.

We were blessed even if it was only for a while to have all of them, Aly, Luke and Luna in our lives. We cherish the memories and the moments they were with us. There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t think of them. They are our family. They will carry a part of us when we are gone.

I’m still a sentimental person that loves deeply, a little older and wiser. I have always and will continue to speak the truth. That is who I am. I wish things were different but I let those I love go  so they could live their lives. I am happy with your father. No one has ever been so kind and loving to me as he has. I hope someday you will see who he is.

As for now I close this letter with no expectations of hearing from you. I hope you receive my words in the love it took for me to write this.  I am helpless to change anything.

Know that I will always love you and your children with all my heart. Your father feels the depth of love for all of you as well. Take care of yourself. I will always be wondering how you are doing.  All my love, Mom

A song which becomes my prayer to my son and his son.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMicQ865nRs

Here are the words.

Almost a Whisper

The sound of holding on - almost a whisper
The sigh of broken hearts - a quiet cry
The rain upon your face
Brings gravity and grace
And softly you begin to breath again

I don't have all the answers to your sad prayers
But if I could I'd give you angel's wings
To go where hope is found
With strength to reach beyond
And carries like a song upon the wind

Please don't give up
Please don't you give up
Cuz I believe
Yes, I believe

I still believe... in us

To go where hope is found
With strength to reach beyond
And carries like a song upon the wind

Please don't give up
Please don't you give up
Cuz I believe
Yes, I believe
I still believe... in us

The sound of holding on - almost a whisper
The sigh of broken hearts - a quiet cry
The rain upon your face
Brings gravity and grace
And softly you begin to breath again