DAD "Just a Little Something to Let You Know How I Feel"

Critical times...today comes the worst storm in 100 years, political deception before a presidential election, and the many voices of rebellion heard around the world that promise destruction, these things disturb me as reality in the world. 

But in a room, on the phone....

I heard a small, weak voice cry “I love all my children even if they know it or not. I wish they knew. I know I won’t be here much longer, but I will hang on for a while.” In his shaky voice he told me of a young nurse that had been kind to him, how she cared tenderly for him, gave him a little hug and a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then he said in a strong voice, “if you were here I’d give you the tightest squeeze”.  As frail as he has become over the years, there is a strength and a need to be touched and loved.

I am thankful for the young nurse who gave such kindness to the old man that lay in that hospital bed. She was giving something from her heart, compassion towards a man she knew very little about, except he is sick and needed loving care. Perhaps she knows by looking into his worn eyes, that one day soon into the future he will pass away. As he lays helpless, the small tender kiss from her gave him the strength to make it through another lonely night.

It’s not that he doesn’t have love, for he has a devoted wife that had gone home to rest for the night, so she could come another day to love and care for him in renewed strength. They’ve been together for so many years, it’s hard to figure out where one of them begins and the other one ends. They are joined at the heart visible only when you see them together.

He told me with tears and trembling voice of a paper he had written about himself that expresses much of who he is. He wanted me to read it. But what he really needed is for me to say, “Everything is all right between you and me; I will remember you just the way you expressed your life on that paper.” That’s the least I can do for my Father. Remember the good things about him. Isn’t that what we all want to be remembered for our goodness, the positive of our character?

Once a strong vibrant man, now getting ready to leave this world, frail, humbled and loyal. This is life, we come in fragile, in time we gain strength, and as we age we are humbled with losses in life and the strength we temporarily possessed. In our frail condition, our loyalties are revealed in our thought, actions and heart matters. Our character revealed at our weakest point.

When I heard my father cry, his tears were for his children, for his wife and if his life mattered to them. There were many missed opportunities with his children when he had strength. Now regrets for the past, allows us to forgive him and show him the mercy and compassion, we will one day need. Our life came from our father and mother, one day we bury them, but in us part of them lives on.

My father’s cry is my heart broken. Broken for those times he missed those opportunities, broken for the years we were separated by bitterness and misunderstanding, broken for all the past that in the end wasn’t as it should have been, but was how we thought and acted towards each other and those we loved. My heart softened at his words. I realized if I had not taken the time these past few years to know him better, I wouldn’t have had the answers to who I am. From the physical characteristics, to my thought process, the personality traits we share, I wouldn’t have known how forgiveness is the most precious gift we can give any one, outside of love. Forgiveness healed our relationship and our hearts.

Who are we but the sum of our parents, our life experiences, the loves we’ve had and the ones we’ve lost. We are body, soul and spirit. We are children of God who loves us all the time. God is our Father. I once told my son, “how you behave toward your wife is how you behave toward and view God” and I can say the same for our fathers, “How we treat our earthly father is how we behave toward and view our heavenly Father”.

We aren’t the sum of what is written on paper though that may be the only way my father can express himself. We aren’t what people perceive who they think we are or what others would say about us. Our thoughts may lead us in one direction but it’s the heart of a man, his spirit, his motives and his love that should concern us the most. Once we understand this, we can love one another more fully. Which brings me back to God, for God IS love. We do many soulful things but God resides in the Spirit.

After I hung up the phone, my thoughts and feeling were “I love my Dad”. Too many emotions to express how he has touched my life, but I want him to be at peace. I am reminded of the importants things in this life. I am thankful for family, though scattered in the present time. My hopes are that one day we will all realize how precious all of our family is, from the least to the greatest. I am thankful for my husband, my parents, my siblings, my children and those they love and show love for them. Most of all I am thankful I know God. I know we will all meet him someday and realize his love for us. 

In this critical time for my father, my world shrinks down to that small room and a phone conversation. I love you Dad and I will miss you when your gone.

P.S. My Dad sent me a charm on Valentines Day 2005,  “I Love You”, with a small card “Just a little something to let you know how I feel”…Dad… ( shown above) It hangs on my necklace of many charms I wear everyday. I like to think it's  a message from God as well.